Why I Will Only Read the King James Bible

There are several reasons why I'm going to read the King James Version, and the King James Version only.

1. I believe that English is God's chosen language because it is the most commonly used language. I am too lazy to look up history to realize that many other languages have held this title.

2. I think that the NIP (New International Perversion) changes things. I'm too lazy to learn Greek to understand translational issues with the Bible.

3. The NIV deletes phrases equal to the entire book of 2nd Peter. I'm too lazy to read Bruce Metzger's Textual Commentary on the Greek New Testament to see if those deletions were original to the text.

4. The King James version was good enough for Grandpa and Mom, thus, it's good enough for me. It matters not to me if our generation knows not what a crisping pin and a wimple is. By the way, what is a crisping pin and a wimple?

5. My seminary professors said so. I'm too lazy to test them to see if what they say has any merit. After all, aren't they college professors?

6. Only the liberals read the perverted bibles. I'm too lazy to engage their ideas. If they don't agree with me, then it must be them who is in error, not me.

7. If we accept the modern translations, we may as well allow those hell-bound homosexuals into our churches. I'm too blinded by zeal to understand that the two have nothing in common.

8. The King James translators though that they were writing the re-inspired Word of God. I'm too lazy to read the preface to understand that the translators took the opposite view, believing that the translation was only the best that human effort could muster.

9. I believe that the King James Version is re-inspired. I'm too lazy to check Scripture to see that the idea is nowhere to be found in the Bible.

10. It's not hard to understand. Then again, I don't really read it, anyway. Let the pastor read it and tell me what it says.

11. I read it when I was a kid. Who cares if kids today don't understand it? They're an evil generation anyway. Let them go to hell like they deserve.

12. These new bibles are the tools of the Devil that only seeks to put doubt in the minds of vunerable Christians. I cannot see that MY arguments are doing the same thing.

13. 400 years of Church history cannot be wrong! Then again, I'm too lazy to see that the Vulgate was the only translation for over 1000 years, and people made the same arguments with then the AV 1611 came around.

14. There's an entire book of the New Testament, found between Hebrews and 1 Peter written by King James himself. If he has a whole book written by him, his whole translation must be inspired!

In case you couldn't tell, this article is pure sarcasm (In Greek, literally "tearing of flesh"). I hope you enjoyed.