The Benefits of Confrontation

We "yanks" have a reputation for being a rude bunch. Even though I'm not a "true Yankee" because Maryland is technically south of the Mason-Dixon line, the area of Maryland where I grew up is much more like Massachusetts than Mississippi.

The reasons why southerners feel that northerners are so rude is that we don't shy away from confrontation. If your friend has something to say to you, he says it, you deal with it, and you move on. This method is not considered polite in Southern culture. Here, if you have a problem with your friend, you tell everybody else but him while simultaneously refusing to forgive him. Nothing gets dealt with, but hey, we're not fighting, right?

There are many things that I enjoy about the South. It's slower, it's not as competitive, it's much cheaper, and the climate's nicer. Generally, things aren't too bad, here, but the Southern way of dealing with problems gives me headaches.

Now, there are times when Northerners take the act of confrontation too far. They're aggressive. Sometimes I've been confronted and I really didn't appreciate how the person did it. You don't need to get up in my face for having a hair out of place.

However, here in the South, we simply try to smooth things over and hope that nobody notices that there is a problem. I cannot tell you how many times in my four years here that somebody has alerted me to a problem long after it was possible to do anything about it. Had we dealt with the situation immediately, we could have taken care of the problem, but that would risk somebody speaking up and possibly causing a ruckus. As a result, I am the last one to know of the problem and I look genuinely stupid. I could have fixed the problem with no hard feelings, but by the time it gets through the church circular, I'm the bad guy for not reading people's minds.

If my house catches on fire, but I don't call the fire department for six hours because I feel bad that I'm making them work, my house burns down. They're not at fault. I am. If I go on a crusade to make them look foolish for not putting out a fire that I never told them about, then I am sinning. The same goes for the way people treat their problems. If you don't call somebody to help put out your fire when your house could have been saved, and then you try to make somebody else look bad for not helping you, then you are sinning. This scenario has happened to me, it's happened to my friends, and it's happened to my colleagues, and it drives us all bonkers!

We don't have to walk around looking for something to complain about. What we do have to do is be honest about our issues. If you need help from me, my friends, or the pastor of whatever church you attend, then you have a Christian obligation to seek counsel. If you don't confront the issues in your life, then you'll never grow closer to Christ. All the pastors that I know are smart cookies, but we cannot help if you don't seek to help yourself.

This is a harsh post for many of you. Some of the pastors who read this will shout, "Amen!" I'm not putting any one individual on the spot, and this is not in response to any one incident. But we need to wake up and realize that just because there is no confrontation doesn't mean that there is healing. It's quite the opposite, actually. The only way to genuine healing is to be honest about ourselves, our issues, and our hang-ups. Once we come to grips with those, we must then make ourselves vulnerable by sharing those ideas with the party that hurt us. It is the only method of true healing.